Saturday, 20 August 2011

Have a slice of Terry's Pain-Cake

Well it’s been 3 weeks with no match reports so here’s a quick catch-up.

First up was a visit from the Calverton Condors, a classic match-up Greenskins vs Oomies. The game was dominated by the performance of Bolts rookie sensation Slash Spleenspilla who turned in another match-winning two touchdown performance. He also made a touchdown saving solo tackle on a Condors Blitzer who had dared to sprint unprotected into the Orc backfield. In contrast the Condors could not catch a single break and the final score did not fairly reflect their efforts on the day. Some time even Nuffle smiles on the dirty Greenskins; 2-0 and the first win of the season!

The next week saw Da Bolts travelling to the Merciless Marauders, after their spanking in game one against Warp Down the Orcs were not particularly looking forward facing off against another Chaos team. It all started reasonably well though, Da Bolts kicked to the Marauders and were able to keep them pinned back in their own territory for the duration of the whole first half. Meanwhile however the Marauders’ Minotaur was doing a number on the Black Orcs resulting in two injuries, one of them permanently hobbling the already lame Toofless. Going into the second half three players down was not where Da Bolts wanted to be, clearly rattled Flash Git made another of his trademark ball handling errors allowing the Marauders to seize the loose ball and score an easy touchdown. Later on in the half Da Bolts could easily have been two touchdowns down but fortunately the Beastman ball-carrier in question tripped over a particularly sturdy daisy on the goal-line and spilled the ball. Final score 0-1, all in all it could have been worse but not for Toofless who was down to MA2!

This week Da Bolts came up against those pansy elves again but this time with added emo. That’s right it was the Dark Elves very own Star Killers, a team with a reputation which lives up to their name, was Slash intimidated … apparently not! The super-star Blitzer put in another two touchdown performance leading Da Bolts to a 2-0 victory. Da Bolts started the game with the ball in hand and formed a cage around their unusually sure-handed Thrower, Flash Git. The Star Killers, keen to inflict physical pain equal to their emotional disquiet, leapt at the Orc juggernaut but were unable to slow the rolling cage. Eventually the Orcs crossed the line for their first touchdown with only two turns left on the clock. The Star Kilers had a half chance to score with the two remaining turns but the throw was fumbled so Da Bolts went into the second half 1-0 up.

The second half started with Da Bolts kicking off to the Star Killers and they immediately applied pressure to the daffodil-wielding pointy-eared pansies’ backfield. After a significant amount of posturing and slapping with no real outcome a particularly eloquent Orc managed to talk the ball-carrier into a fit of depression so acute that he dropped the ball. This left Slash to jump on the lose ball and take it in for his second score of the game. With time running down on the clock the Star Killers tried to inflict some damage on Da Bolts but, as was typical of the game up to this point, blocks degenerated quickly into slap fights and no real harm was done on either side.

Clearly Nuffle was smiling on Da Bolts again today as they came away with a win and no major injuries for a change, however they didn’t cause any which always leave a slightly unsatisfactory taste in the mouth. Still, more emo-elves next week and hope springs eternal … also rumours of transfers from Dungeon Bowl’s Cavechester United are gathering even more momentum as the management team of up-and-coming Troll blocker, Dung, has started to look for lodgings for him in Orkanapolis. Coming soon to a swamp near you? We’ll have to wait and see!


  1. Goooooo Marauders!!!!! ;p

    Seriously though the dice did desert you in our game.- on the up side after consecutive games no one in my chaos team is ever "Going for it" again. Ever.

  2. Well after injuring exactly 0 Dark Elves in this eek's game I wonder if the dice will ever comletely favor me again ... Though Rob had it worse to be honset, so. many. double. skulls!


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